New beginnings.

Old job ending in June.
New job commencing in July.
Looking forward to a new beginning.
Ended a very tiring journey called love.
But one has only a single heart.
So there will be no new beginning for that?
Regardless, i am looking forward to moving on, busying myself with work, and letting the rational take over the emotional once more…

Reluctance Vs inertia.

What’s the difference between the two? One is a lack of willingness, the other a lack of initial movement. What if i’m experiencing both? But i guess that which you are most unwilling to do implies the colossal significance of it. One that changes your life for good. I hate decisions that alter your path and derail you completely. But what choice do i have?

Have been reflecting on this statement: “By being who you are, you will only lose those you love.” When the 2 people you love most say the same thing to you in less than a year, the issue has got to be me eh? But i already knew that. And i warned you i wasn’t ready for a relationship. Coz the current me will only lose you till i am not me. Love is not enough, apparently. Nevertheless, it is fundamental. And love without sacrifice means nothing. So please go, and be happy. Make my sacrifice worth it. I have so much to say, yet so few options to express myself for you don’t trust me. So let these lyrics from Air Supply speak for me… (Especially the words in bold)

I can see the pain living in your eyes
And I know how hard you try
You deserve to have so much more
I can feel your heart and I sympathize
And I’ll never criticize
All you’ve ever meant to my life

I don’t want to let you down
I don’t want to lead you on 
I don’t want to hold you back
From where you might belong

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can’t live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There’s nothing left to say but goodbye

You deserve the chance at the kind of love
I’m not sure i’m worthy of
Losing you is painful to me

I don’t want to let you down
I don’t want to lead you on 
I don’t want to hold you back
From where you might belong

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can’t live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There’s nothing left to say but goodbye

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can’t live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There’s nothing left to try
Though it’s gonna hurt us both
There’s no other way than to say goodbye

Surprise me.

Due to popular demands for updates, i am taking 5 minutes off to do so quickly. My life has been a monotone of late. Mondays & tuesdays: Work, dinner with friends/ clients (yes, i know i still owe many people dinner appointments but i’m trying ok). Wednesdays: Work, home group. Thursdays: Work, marking of essays, planning and preparation of materials for Sunday lessons. Fridays: Work, teach. Saturdays: Teach, spend time with Gabrielle, dinner/ party. Sundays: teach, teach, and teach. Yes i’ve been missing church. I need time for myself. Just to rest. To see the people i wanna see. Avoid social obligations. I’ve been damn sick for more than a week and am still not recovered.

And ok, i’ve had this question 10 million times. So.. I am kinda in a relationship. Don’t wanna jinx it by saying anything and also coz i wanna protect him. If i can’t even do that, there is really no point right? I wanna spend more time with him. ALONE. So give me space. And to all my guy friends, i’m sorry. I made a decision to attempt to give him security. And i think i can only do that if i don’t see any of you one-on-one. That’s my decision.

Last update. I’m rethinking my plans again. London and Hongkong still remain possibilities, though now i am thinking for 2 of us. I know what many of you think, since when has linda started to think in terms of “our life” instead of “my life”? Now, i suppose. IB is hiring again. I am excited. But yet hesitant. God, give me wisdom. Keep me in your prayers. Ask Him to speak to me. For His Will will never lead me to where His Grace cannot protect me. Amen.

Indecisiveness.

Making a decision of such gravity is too much pain for me. Making a decision of such gravity without a clue as to why i have to is worse. I’m not undecided, i just don’t know what to do. I’m tired, yet i can’t let go.I don’t want to let go, yet i may be forced to. I know you’re not happy, but i gotta pretend not to see it.  I’m not happy, but i need to make sure you are/ will be. Polar extremes that integrate. Similarities that differentiate. Sigh.

What if marriage and romantic happiness isn’t for everyone?

Heard from a friend that i haven’t seen in years today. He called to tell me he was engaged! I was like, “whoa, didn’t you just start dating this girl?” His reply? “But she’s the one i’ve been searching for all along…”

This is a friend who changed girlfriends faster than i changed boyfriends (rare i know). And it is so shocking to me that even he would wanna settle down. And at such a young age. I mean, you can hardly consider us as young. But 25 is like the beginning of your working life, an age you wanna fully commit yourself to work and not people. It got me thinking on a topic i’ve been wondering for some time: What if marriage isn’t for everyone? Do i really need a guy to survive? What if i never find my ‘half apple’?

Worse still, what if you found him and yet had to let him go? And when you accidentally bump into him in the corridors and he smiles at you so shyly and sweetly, it brightens up your whole day (and possibly the next few days), yet it leaves you feeling totally cold and empty knowing he’s not yours to keep…

If only you had an idea, any sort of idea, of what your smile means to me. Perhaps then, just perhaps, you would understand why i had to let you go…

Music is the light of your soul.

Lyrics post! For all the songs that speak the words you wanna say but don’t have.

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would’ve worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn’t want us to burn out
I didn’t come here to hold you, now I can’t stop

I want you to know that it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I’m already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you’ll find another
That doesn’t always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn’t keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I’m already gone

I’m already gone, already gone
You can’t make it feel right when you know that it’s wrong
I’m already gone, already gone
There’s no moving on so I’m already gone

Already gone, already gone, already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know that it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I’m already gone

I’m already gone, already gone
You can’t make it feel right when you know that it’s wrong
I’m already gone, already gone
There’s no moving on so I’m already gone
____________________________________________________________

Drew looks at me
I fake a smile so he won’t see
What I want and I need
And everything that we should be

I’ll bet she’s beautiful
That girl he talks about
And she’s got everything
That I have to live without

Drew talks to me
I laugh ’cause it’s just so funny
I can’t even see
Anyone when he’s with me

He says he’s so in love
He’s finally got it right
I wonder if he knows
He’s all I think about at night

He’s the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He’s the song in the car I keep singing
Don’t know why I do

Drew walks by me
Can he tell that I can’t breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly
The kind of flawless I wish I could be

She better hold him tight
Give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes
And know she’s lucky ’cause

He’s the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He’s the song in the car I keep singing
Don’t know why I do

So I drive home alone
As I turn out the light
I’ll put his picture down
And maybe get some sleep tonight

‘Cuz he’s the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who’s got enough of me to break my heart
He’s the song in the car I keep singing
Don’t know why I do

He’s the time taken up but there’s never enough
And he’s all that I need to fall into
Drew looks at me
I fake a smile so he won’t see
____________________________________________________________

Say you’re sorry, that face of an angel
Comes out just when you need it to
As I paced back and forth all this time
Cause I honestly believed in you

Holding on, the days drag on
Stupid girl, I should have known
I should have known

I’m not a princess, this ain’t a fairy tale
I’m not the one you’ll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell

This ain’t Hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it’s too late for you and your white horse, to come around

Baby I was naive, got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
I had so many dreams about you and me
Happy endings, now I know

I’m not a princess, this ain’t a fairy tale
I’m not the one you’ll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell

This ain’t Hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it’s too late for you and your white horse, to come around

And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me
Just like I always wanted but I’m so sorry

Cause I’m not your princess, this ain’t a fairytale
I’m gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now

And its too late for you and your white horse
Now its too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa
Try and catch me now
Oh, it’s too late to catch me now

The Cold Heaven.

The Cold Heaven by William Butler Yeats

Suddenly I saw the cold and rook-delighting heaven
That seemed as though ice burned and was but the more ice,
And thereupon imagination and heart were driven
So wild that every casual thought of that and this
Vanished, and left but memories, that should be out of season
With the hot blood of youth, of love crossed long ago;
And I took all thc blame out of all sense and reason,
Until I cried and trembled and rocked to and fro,
Riddled with light. Ah! when the ghost begins to quicken,
Confusion of the death-bed over, is it sent
Out naked on the roads, as the books say, and stricken
By the injustice of the skies for punishment?

Christmas post!!!

To break the lull period, a Christmas post is the most appropriate, no? I absolutely love Christmas! From putting up and decorating your Christmas tree, to gift-hunting for those you love, to the many parties you attend, and most importantly, to commemorate and rejoice the birth of the saviour, it is such a joyous occasion!

And it is a time to forgive those whom hurt you and reconcile with them, as well as to show appreciation and thanks to those whom you love dearly. I’ve witnessed some of the most amazing reconciliations in the past month and am ultra grateful to God for letting them happen. Never felt so blessed and loved for a long time and it came at a time when i needed comfort and care the most. Truly thankful. Have seen how God works when you surrender all you have to His mighty hands. For He will never let you fall even when you have no strength to stand. Amazing grace and love.

Just want to share with all those whom don’t know Jesus this: Even when you have never heard of Him, He’s already known you. By face and by name. If you’re seeking love, look no further. Love from humans can never satisfy you, only the love of God can and will. So this Christmas, are you gonna ask for true love, peace and joy from Santa? Jesus is the ultimate Santa!

Have a very merry Christmas everyone.

Sleepless towns and lively downs.

It’s utterly disgusting to lie awake at night and not be able to fall asleep though you’re damn tired. But it’s even worse to think and have to not feel when you’re awake but falling asleep coz your brain’s so tired from all these pointless thoughts that you can’t dispel.

It’s discouraging to fail even after you tried so hard. But it’s worse when you know they don’t even wanna try at all.

It’s amazing how quickly people fall in love, but even more amazing is the speed they fall out of it. Though like i always say, both are impossible. For love is a choice, a choice not many make consciously anymore…

Here i am.

Here I am playing with those memories again
And just when I thought time had set me free
Those thoughts of you keep taunting me

Holding you, a feeling I never outgrew
Though each and every part of me has tried
Only you can fill that space inside

So there’s no sense pretending
My heart it’s not mending

(Chorus)
Just when I thought I was over you
And just when I thought I could stand on my own
Oh, baby those memories come crashing through
And I just can’t go on without you

On my own I’ve tried to make the best of it alone
I’ve done everything I can to ease the pain
But only you can stop the rain

I just can’t live without you
I miss everything about you

(Chorus)
Just when I thought I was over you
And just when I thought I could stand on my own
Oh baby those memories come crashing through
And I just can’t go on without
Go on without
It’s just no good without you

Without you, without you, without you
Oh baby, those memories come crashing through
And I just can’t go on without, you